RGENT TRANSMISSION FOR FUNCTIONING AMERICAN CARBON-BASED UNITS

rom the Intergalactic Federation of the Andromeda Collective

Greetings, carbon-based units of the third rock from Sol, colloquially known as “Earth.” We’ve been observing your planet for quite some time—think of it as a cosmic reality show, only with more doomscrolling and fewer coherent plotlines.

We regret to inform you that, based on recent galactic polling and interdimensional focus groups, your civilization is in the final stages of a Category 7 Self-Inflicted Implosion. (That’s just one level below “Kardashian Singularity.”)

But rejoice! We, the Federation of Planets from the Andromeda Galaxy, have unanimously voted (after three espresso nebula shots) to offer your more functional carbon-based units a one-time evacuation opportunity.

Departure Cities:

1. Los Angeles – For those already pretending they’re aliens.

2. New York City – You’ll probably complain the whole way, but fine.

3. Ybor City, Florida – We’re not entirely sure why either, but our galactic anthropologist was charmed by the roosters.

4. Seattle – For carbon-based units who are part coffee, part moisture.

5. Chicago – The deep dish convinced the council.

♿ Special Accommodations: If you are disabled or unable to travel, please install a green, solar-powered strobe light on your roof. We will beam you up individually. And yes, solar-powered. This is a spacefaring society, not an oil lobby. A NOTE ON DEFECTIVE UNITS: Any carbon-based units exhibiting signs of persistent denial of reality, conspiracy theory addiction, chronic cruelty, or unrelenting narcissism will be rerouted to Mercury, your neighboring planet, recently reclassified as a Thermal Detention Zone. No amenities. Just vibes and lava. ⸻

We encourage all interested units to begin preparing immediately. Bring only what you can carry: a toothbrush, your favorite snacks, and a working sense of humor. Estimated arrival of ships: TBD (subject to time-space dilation, and pending resolution of the galactic DMV strike). In unity and mild bewilderment, Commander Thraak of the Glitter Nebula Andromeda Evacuation Liaison for Species 847-CBU (Carbon-Based Units) ⸻