What not to say to someone with depression
‘Everyone gets depressed’
There are many potential causes of depression that go beyond a stressful life event. Depression is not simply being sad sometimes, it significantly impacts a person’s ability to function and interact in life. Even if life presents challenges to everyone, living with depression is different than facing difficulties or having a stressful day. Telling someone to just get over it is invalidating a person’s experiences and concerns.
‘You just need a drink’
If you haven’t had depression, it’s natural to see it as having many bad days in a row. This is how it’s often portrayed in the media. But depression isn’t about needing a good time or forgetting what you’re going through by using alcohol. It’s possible that inviting them to do a fun activity can help them in the moment, even if it won’t “cure depression.” However, inviting them to use alcohol may be a tricky one. Here’s why. Some people with depression may find temporary mental and physical relief in alcohol. Because of all the other symptoms they may be dealing with like poor self-esteem and insomnia, they could have an increased chance of adopting alcohol as a coping mechanism.
‘Cheer up!’
Asking someone with depression to “cheer up” may be similar to telling someone with rheumatoid arthritis to “stop hurting.” Depression isn’t a personal choice. It often requires professional support for symptoms to improve, and even then, it’s a long and complex process. Depression can cause prolonged sadness and inability to find joy or pleasure in life. Depression can also make it difficult to do everyday tasks like maintaining proper hygiene. Even though not everyone with depression experiences the same symptoms, including sadness, the condition does affect mood. This isn’t something they can just remedy by “cheering up.”
‘Many people go through worse’
Validating how someone with depression feels is important. They often don’t know why they feel the way they do. This often leads them to experience guilt about having depression, particularly if their life is perceived as “good.” But depression isn’t about how good or challenging your life is. Saying this to someone dealing with depression can cause increased feelings of loneliness, being misunderstood, and wanting to isolate. You may not understand why they have depression, and that’s OK. Providing empathy and support, even when you cannot relate to what they’re going through, can go a long way.
‘You’re being selfish’
People with depression may be aware they’re not acting as usual, or that it’s difficult for them to socialize or complete some tasks. Again, this isn’t by choice. It’s not their intention to do anything to you or anyone else. They’re doing the best they can with the resources they have at hand. Maybe you’d handle it differently. That’s OK. But they aren’t you. A person dealing with clinical depression is likely having a hard time keeping up with their own personal life. They are not selfish; they are just not well. They may not have the capacity to be and do everything that someone else wants them to be or do.
