The Guava: ICE is Changing it's Name to TIT

Trump has insured a executive order to change ICE to TIT (Trump Instructed Thugs). He thinks the name change is more fitting.  He has always wanted to have his own personal army.

The Guava: Satan Suing South Park

RGENT TRANSMISSION FOR FUNCTIONING AMERICAN CARBON-BASED UNITS

rom the Intergalactic Federation of the Andromeda Collective

Greetings, carbon-based units of the third rock from Sol, colloquially known as “Earth.” We’ve been observing your planet for quite some time—think of it as a cosmic reality show, only with more doomscrolling and fewer coherent plotlines.

We regret to inform you that, based on recent galactic polling and interdimensional focus groups, your civilization is in the final stages of a Category 7 Self-Inflicted Implosion. (That’s just one level below “Kardashian Singularity.”)

But rejoice! We, the Federation of Planets from the Andromeda Galaxy, have unanimously voted (after three espresso nebula shots) to offer your more functional carbon-based units a one-time evacuation opportunity.

Departure Cities:

1. Los Angeles – For those already pretending they’re aliens.

2. New York City – You’ll probably complain the whole way, but fine.

3. Ybor City, Florida – We’re not entirely sure why either, but our galactic anthropologist was charmed by the roosters.

4. Seattle – For carbon-based units who are part coffee, part moisture.

5. Chicago – The deep dish convinced the council.

♿ Special Accommodations: If you are disabled or unable to travel, please install a green, solar-powered strobe light on your roof. We will beam you up individually. And yes, solar-powered. This is a spacefaring society, not an oil lobby. A NOTE ON DEFECTIVE UNITS: Any carbon-based units exhibiting signs of persistent denial of reality, conspiracy theory addiction, chronic cruelty, or unrelenting narcissism will be rerouted to Mercury, your neighboring planet, recently reclassified as a Thermal Detention Zone. No amenities. Just vibes and lava. ⸻

We encourage all interested units to begin preparing immediately. Bring only what you can carry: a toothbrush, your favorite snacks, and a working sense of humor. Estimated arrival of ships: TBD (subject to time-space dilation, and pending resolution of the galactic DMV strike). In unity and mild bewilderment, Commander Thraak of the Glitter Nebula Andromeda Evacuation Liaison for Species 847-CBU (Carbon-Based Units) ⸻

Escape to Paradise: Now Departing from the Big Cypress Swamp Detention Center

Forget Disney World. Forget South Beach. The hottest new Florida tourist experience isn’t a theme park or a beach—it’s a swamp. Specifically, the Big Cypress Swamp Concentration Camp™, proudly brought to you by the Trump administration and its latest innovation in human rights violations.

With tourism to the U.S. on the decline (turns out xenophobia isn’t a great brand strategy), local Everglades airboat operators have had to get creative. And by creative, we mean they’ve pivoted to a thrilling new service: underground freedom rides for immigrants detained in America’s very own jungle holding cell. It’s part humanitarian mission, part survival gig economy. Because in Trump’s America, you’re either a boot or you’re under it—or you’re trying to pay your mortgage with side gigs powered by moral whiplash.

Each escape package comes with a scenic moonlit ride across the sawgrass, with stars brighter than your future in ICE custody. Guests (formerly known as “detainees”) will enjoy the natural beauty of Florida’s wetlands, dodge the occasional gator (don’t worry, only the reptilian kind—we avoid the ones in uniform), and maybe even spot a bald eagle crying softly in the distance.

Where do these freedom tours end, you ask? Mar-a-Lago, naturally. Because if you’re going to flee a swamp prison in the land of the free™, why not end up at America’s gold-plated Versailles of moral decay? Sure, it’s trespassing, but at least the lobster bisque is hot and the beds have Egyptian cotton sheets—better than the aluminum-foil blankets and concrete floors back at Camp Isolation.

Of course, there are risks. You might get caught. You might get deported. Or worse, you might get recruited as unpaid staff at one of the “guest properties.” But hey—at least you’ll be doing it in style, gliding across America’s last remaining sliver of untouched wilderness, guided by a salty boat captain who once gave nature tours to Canadian retirees before the visas dried up.So book now—supplies (and civil liberties) are limited.

Problem solved!

Trump's New Book

PRICE SLASHED TO ONLY $398.95

Less than my Golden Sneakers

Good only until Kamala steals the election

The Guava: The Borg Collective And The MAGA Collective: Similarities

The central entity of the Borg Collective is the amoral Borg Queen. Through her, like the queen of an insect colony, the Hive mind is granted order and common direction.

The Borg, a fusion of organic and synthetic matter, and their relentless pursuit of perfection brought fear to all quadrants of the galaxy. Residing primarily at Unimatrix One in the Delta Quadrant, the Borg Queen is the only one able to think independently from the Borg Collective.

The central entity of the MAGA Collective is the immoral MAGA Dictator. Through him, like the king of a cockroach colony, the MAGA mind is granted disorder and a common idiocy.

The MAGA Collective, a fusion of bewildered and mindless people, and their relentless pursuit of white supremacy brought distain from all quadrants of America. Residing primarily at Mar-a-Logo in the State of Florida, the MAGA Dictator is the only one able to think independently insane from the MAGA Collective.

The Guava: Putin Offers Trump Sanctuary To Avoid Going To Jail After Losing Election, Maduro Doesn't

With Kamala Harris almost 3 points ahead in the polls for the presidential election, Donald Trump and his team are beginning to question his chances of wnning the election in November. Considering his being found guilty of 34 counts of falsifying business records relative to the "hush money" payments to adult film star Stephanie Clifford, known as Stormy Daniels, (sentencing set for November 26) and other state and federal indictments for criminal activities for interference in a federal election and his attempts to interfere in the transfer of power after Joe Biden's election in 2020, Trump's fear that he might lose the election this November means he would also lose the chance to pardon himself of his crimes or at least prolong the inevitable for another four years.

Today, officials at the U.S. Department of Justice announced that they are looking into having Donald Trump's passport revoked anticipating that he may attempt to flee the country if it looks likely that Harris will win the presidential election. They claimed that there is strong evidence that Vladimir Putin will offer Trump asylum in Russia if he asks for it. Considering the climate in Russia and it's lack of golf courses, Trump may opt for a climate more like that at Mar-a-lago. Lately, Donald Trump has been talking a lot about Caracas, Venezuela, a city he has called a "very safe" city, although it is frightenly crime ridden. Besides that, Nicolás Maduro, the corrupt president of Venezuela, has voiced that he is hesitant to offer Trump asylum. Maduro has enough problems dealing with his own illegally stolen election without Trump's potential interference.

Considering Trump's proclivity to wiggle out of the messes he makes for himself he may be running out of options.