Escape to Paradise: Now Departing from the Big Cypress Swamp Detention Center

Forget Disney World. Forget South Beach. The hottest new Florida tourist experience isn’t a theme park or a beach—it’s a swamp. Specifically, the Big Cypress Swamp Concentration Camp™, proudly brought to you by the Trump administration and its latest innovation in human rights violations.

With tourism to the U.S. on the decline (turns out xenophobia isn’t a great brand strategy), local Everglades airboat operators have had to get creative. And by creative, we mean they’ve pivoted to a thrilling new service: underground freedom rides for immigrants detained in America’s very own jungle holding cell. It’s part humanitarian mission, part survival gig economy. Because in Trump’s America, you’re either a boot or you’re under it—or you’re trying to pay your mortgage with side gigs powered by moral whiplash.

Each escape package comes with a scenic moonlit ride across the sawgrass, with stars brighter than your future in ICE custody. Guests (formerly known as “detainees”) will enjoy the natural beauty of Florida’s wetlands, dodge the occasional gator (don’t worry, only the reptilian kind—we avoid the ones in uniform), and maybe even spot a bald eagle crying softly in the distance.

Where do these freedom tours end, you ask? Mar-a-Lago, naturally. Because if you’re going to flee a swamp prison in the land of the free™, why not end up at America’s gold-plated Versailles of moral decay? Sure, it’s trespassing, but at least the lobster bisque is hot and the beds have Egyptian cotton sheets—better than the aluminum-foil blankets and concrete floors back at Camp Isolation.

Of course, there are risks. You might get caught. You might get deported. Or worse, you might get recruited as unpaid staff at one of the “guest properties.” But hey—at least you’ll be doing it in style, gliding across America’s last remaining sliver of untouched wilderness, guided by a salty boat captain who once gave nature tours to Canadian retirees before the visas dried up.So book now—supplies (and civil liberties) are limited.